by - 6/14/2020

Ughhhhhhh I never thought I'd be writing this kind of post. Just looking at that title hurts.

I don't want to write this post because I feel like it makes it all more real but writing things out really helps me deal with them and I have been documenting my life for 10 years on this blog so I want to write about this too.


Well, on Monday I had my 8 week ultrasound...my first "official" OB visit for this pregnancy. I went in feeling nervous but also feeling pretty good. The past two weeks I spent convincing myself that everything was probably fine, reminding myself there was a heartbeat so I didn't have to worry.

The doctor had a hard time seeing baby with the ultrasound machine but after a few tries we found it. I was supposed to be 8w4d along but it was only measuring 7w1d. While we were looking at the screen behind my mask, my eyes got teary and I prayed and prayed, "please help him to find a heartbeat, please."But he didn't find it.

He said he didn't see any blood-flow to or from baby and that there was no heartbeat. He told me I am miscarrying and that I could go off the progesterone because that was probably just prolonging it all.

The doctor was kind and told me he was so sorry, that this wasn't my fault- it's usually just a chromosomal abnormality that happens very early on and that it shouldn't stop me from having "all the babies I want"- this was just a speed bump. That made me feel a little better but it still felt like I was punched in the face. I wanted this baby. It was the worst doctor appointment I have ever had.

I drove home crying harder and uglier than I ever had before. It felt like such a bad dream that I just so badly wanted to wake up from!

The past 6 days since have been so, so, so difficult. I go to sleep and forget and have dreams like normal and then I have to wake up and remember my baby isn't alive anymore...it is like I have to re-live it every day. I just want this time in my life- the past month or so- to be over. I want it to be a memory and that's it. But it still isn't over and I still don't know when it "officially" will. I go back to the doctor tomorrow to discuss my options now and I just hate this entire thing.

Instagram has been stalking my brain lately it seems and my explore page is full of all kinds of ultrasound pictures of healthy babies. I loooooove babies and even now I love to see posts about them! They make me happy and give me so much hope and joy :) But the ultrasound photos are hard right now. They're just a reminder that while a lot of babies get to grow and develop and live past 8 weeks, mine doesn't. It doesn't seem fair and makes me hurt for my little one. But I know that we live in a fallen and unfair world and that what happened was always meant to be.

I have also felt confused and sad about what this whole thing means. I know that after 20 weeks, baby is considered a stillborn and is usually respected and buried. In my church it is given an official name and is considered part of a family. But before 20 weeks, there isn't much info. It hasn't been sitting well with me and has led me to pray a lot and try to figure out exactly what this all means- spiritually. Personally I have felt like that baby is part of our family and will always be, it just needed a super, duper short time on his Earth. That's all I can understand for now.

This whole thing has also made me even more pro-life than I was before (which, if you know me, is saying a lot). Over the past two weeks I have gone from seeing my baby seemingly healthy and alive with a perfect little heartbeat, to seeing it not alive at all. I can't and won't ever be able to wrap my brain around how some people WANT that. They want that life to end and they fight for it and make signs for it and campaign for it and brag about it at the Grammys. It makes me want to throw up. I don't care HOW small or insignificant or "unwanted" a human life is- taking it away after it is already created should NEVER be somebody's "choice."

I have seen different things online grouping together women who have experienced abortions and ones who have gone through miscarriages and I don't think anything has ever made my blood boil more. That is literally like grouping together women who have intentionally poisoned their husbands with women who have lost their husbands to cancer. It isn't the same thing AT ALL. I would give anything to have my baby back.

That sweet little 7/8 week baby wasn't just a clump of cells. It wasn't just a random piece of tissue. It was a human being. It was a baby- it was MY baby. It was just as alive as you or I and I will die before I ever stop fighting to make that clear.

Whew, okay. Sorry, had to let that out. I have always felt so strongly about that issue.

I also feel so, so much more hurt in my heart for other women who have gone through this too. I remember before seeing people posting about miscarriage and I always felt bad but wow. Now I see it in a whole different light. It is absolutely horrific. Like....so, so, so painful. Over the past few days I have talked to a few different women who have gone through it too and while I am so sad that they had to experience it too, it brings me so much comfort knowing that there are people who understand just how I feel. Trials absolutely suck but sometimes going through them can be the only way to truly empathize with and understand other people.

Jack saw me crying one day and asked why I was sad. I didn't know what to say but I just said, "Mom is just sad because the baby went bye-bye. But it's okay, it is with Jesus now." He has been so sweet and kind to me this week and even though it was such a simple explanation- it is true. I have never felt closer to my Savior. He has been right beside me through this whole thing. Even though I wasn't allowed to bring anyone to my appointments, I felt Him in that ultrasound room, I felt Him on the car ride home and I have had to cling to Him every day this week. I am continuously reminded that the purpose of this life, of everything- is to find joy and happiness. Even though I feel entirely broken- I can keep going as long as He stays beside me, and I know He will.

Someone told me that naming your unborn baby can help bring closure and even though we don't know if it was a boy or a girl (and we didn't care), we just decided to call it "Baby A." It might seem weird but it's helped. I will forever and ever love and remember my baby A :) When I've look up at the sky this week, I couldn't help but think that somewhere out there in the universe, A is doing something bigger and better than he/she ever could've done on this Earth.

Oh and also, I HATE CORONAVIRUS. Let me just say that. It has somehow made this horrible, lonely situation even more horrible and more lonely. I am so ready for this Arizona heat to come in and kick it's a$$. 

Anyways, just going to keep taking this one day at a time. Life is hard. That's what we signed up for and in some crazy, weird way that I don't understand yet- I know this is part of God's plan and that someday I will be able to understand.


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