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Ivy Van Dusen

Ughhhhhhh I never thought I'd be writing this kind of post. Just looking at that title hurts.

I don't want to write this post because I feel like it makes it all more real but writing things out really helps me deal with them and I have been documenting my life for 10 years on this blog so I want to write about this too.

Okay.

Well, on Monday I had my 8 week ultrasound...my first "official" OB visit for this pregnancy. I went in feeling nervous but also feeling pretty good. The past two weeks I spent convincing myself that everything was probably fine, reminding myself there was a heartbeat so I didn't have to worry.

The doctor had a hard time seeing baby with the ultrasound machine but after a few tries we found it. I was supposed to be 8w4d along but it was only measuring 7w1d. While we were looking at the screen behind my mask, my eyes got teary and I prayed and prayed, "please help him to find a heartbeat, please."But he didn't find it.

He said he didn't see any blood-flow to or from baby and that there was no heartbeat. He told me I am miscarrying and that I could go off the progesterone because that was probably just prolonging it all.

The doctor was kind and told me he was so sorry, that this wasn't my fault- it's usually just a chromosomal abnormality that happens very early on and that it shouldn't stop me from having "all the babies I want"- this was just a speed bump. That made me feel a little better but it still felt like I was punched in the face. I wanted this baby. It was the worst doctor appointment I have ever had.

I drove home crying harder and uglier than I ever had before. It felt like such a bad dream that I just so badly wanted to wake up from!

The past 6 days since have been so, so, so difficult. I go to sleep and forget and have dreams like normal and then I have to wake up and remember my baby isn't alive anymore...it is like I have to re-live it every day. I just want this time in my life- the past month or so- to be over. I want it to be a memory and that's it. But it still isn't over and I still don't know when it "officially" will. I go back to the doctor tomorrow to discuss my options now and I just hate this entire thing.

Instagram has been stalking my brain lately it seems and my explore page is full of all kinds of ultrasound pictures of healthy babies. I loooooove babies and even now I love to see posts about them! They make me happy and give me so much hope and joy :) But the ultrasound photos are hard right now. They're just a reminder that while a lot of babies get to grow and develop and live past 8 weeks, mine doesn't. It doesn't seem fair and makes me hurt for my little one. But I know that we live in a fallen and unfair world and that what happened was always meant to be.

I have also felt confused and sad about what this whole thing means. I know that after 20 weeks, baby is considered a stillborn and is usually respected and buried. In my church it is given an official name and is considered part of a family. But before 20 weeks, there isn't much info. It hasn't been sitting well with me and has led me to pray a lot and try to figure out exactly what this all means- spiritually. Personally I have felt like that baby is part of our family and will always be, it just needed a super, duper short time on his Earth. That's all I can understand for now.


This whole thing has also made me even more pro-life than I was before (which, if you know me, is saying a lot). Over the past two weeks I have gone from seeing my baby seemingly healthy and alive with a perfect little heartbeat, to seeing it not alive at all. I can't and won't ever be able to wrap my brain around how some people WANT that. They want that life to end and they fight for it and make signs for it and campaign for it and brag about it at the Grammys. It makes me want to throw up. I don't care HOW small or insignificant or "unwanted" a human life is- taking it away after it is already created should NEVER be somebody's "choice."

I have seen different things online grouping together women who have experienced abortions and ones who have gone through miscarriages and I don't think anything has ever made my blood boil more. That is literally like grouping together women who have intentionally poisoned their husbands with women who have lost their husbands to cancer. It isn't the same thing AT ALL. I would give anything to have my baby back.

That sweet little 7/8 week baby wasn't just a clump of cells. It wasn't just a random piece of tissue. It was a human being. It was a baby- it was MY baby. It was just as alive as you or I and I will die before I ever stop fighting to make that clear.


Whew, okay. Sorry, had to let that out. I have always felt so strongly about that issue.


I also feel so, so much more hurt in my heart for other women who have gone through this too. I remember before seeing people posting about miscarriage and I always felt bad but wow. Now I see it in a whole different light. It is absolutely horrific. Like....so, so, so painful. Over the past few days I have talked to a few different women who have gone through it too and while I am so sad that they had to experience it too, it brings me so much comfort knowing that there are people who understand just how I feel. Trials absolutely suck but sometimes going through them can be the only way to truly empathize with and understand other people.

Jack saw me crying one day and asked why I was sad. I didn't know what to say but I just said, "Mom is just sad because the baby went bye-bye. But it's okay, it is with Jesus now." He has been so sweet and kind to me this week and even though it was such a simple explanation- it is true. I have never felt closer to my Savior. He has been right beside me through this whole thing. Even though I wasn't allowed to bring anyone to my appointments, I felt Him in that ultrasound room, I felt Him on the car ride home and I have had to cling to Him every day this week. I am continuously reminded that the purpose of this life, of everything- is to find joy and happiness. Even though I feel entirely broken- I can keep going as long as He stays beside me, and I know He will.

Someone told me that naming your unborn baby can help bring closure and even though we don't know if it was a boy or a girl (and we didn't care), we just decided to call it "Baby A." It might seem weird but it's helped. I will forever and ever love and remember my baby A :) When I've look up at the sky this week, I couldn't help but think that somewhere out there in the universe, A is doing something bigger and better than he/she ever could've done on this Earth.

Oh and also, I HATE CORONAVIRUS. Let me just say that. It has somehow made this horrible, lonely situation even more horrible and more lonely. I am so ready for this Arizona heat to come in and kick it's a$$. 

Anyways, just going to keep taking this one day at a time. Life is hard. That's what we signed up for and in some crazy, weird way that I don't understand yet- I know this is part of God's plan and that someday I will be able to understand.

xo
6/14/2020 No sweet note{s}

Writing this post right now at 6 weeks, but it won't be published until later on....

--

A couple of months ago Kody and I decided that it was a good time to start thinking about baby #2. We prayed and went to the temple and just felt like it was right to start trying. We decided to wait until after our cruise in Feb and on March 16 I got a positive pregnancy test! It was soooo faint but I felt like it was correct, kept buying and taking more and sure enough that line got nice and dark. I was so excited! Kody was so excited! And Jack also got the idea that there was a baby in mommies tummy.



took SO MANY tests to make sure that line was getting darker


Eventually they got more and more positive :)

Not long after that I noticed some spotting one night and suddenly felt so freaked out. I don't remember any spotting with Jack, so it really, really worried me. The next morning I called the dr and was only able to talk to the nurse who said it wasn't a big deal and there isn't much you could do that early anyways. I said ok, but still felt uneasy. I got a blessing from Kody and tried to relax and not worry about it.

Like typical me though, I took to Google to find out what could be wrong. I know they say not to do that but man being the need-to-know-it-all type of person that I am and the fact that we are at home all day- I just had to. I felt like I should call back and ask for the dr to check my blood and get my HCG levels, they seemed hesitant but let me. Over the next few days I got bloodwork done and the following Monday they called to let me know that those numbers were normal. Still worried and having spotted once again, I asked about progesterone. I had read about it and it stuck out to me. They usually don't test it (or even see you) at that early along unless you had a history of miscarriages or infertility but again hesitantly, the nurse said I could come in and have that tested too if I'd like. So, I did that afternoon.

The next day the nurse called to tell me that my progesterone levels were indeed low. She told me that at that point I should be at around a 10-12 and I was only at a 6 and that the doctor wanted me to start supplements right away. Of course this didn't seem like good news and I drove to CVS right away to pick up the prescription. 

I started on it right away and it has been making me pretty tired/dizzy but I am getting the hang of it. I have read that it won't necessarily save a miscarriage that would already be happening, but could possibly prevent one in the future if the issue is low progesterone. I figure it is worth it if it gives my baby even a little bit of a better chance. I am soooooo glad I followed my gut and bugged the nurse to let me get that checked out.

Yesterday (a week after starting the supplements), I got to go to the doctor and get an ultrasound!! I was SO nervous all day before the appointment. My heart was pounding and I was sweating like crazy. I was expecting the worst and wasn't sure what to do. My mind was going in a million, billion places. Because of coronavirus I wasn't allowed to bring anyone with me to the appointment which was also scary. With all of Jack's ultrasound Kody got to be there and that was so helpful.

While I was waiting in the waiting room, a girl who looked my age came out, looked so sad and had clearly been crying. I started tearing up just looking at her. I don't know what she had just been told but I just wanted to run up and hug her and tell her I'm sorry and it will all be okay. This whole thing has given me a totally new perspective on how hard this whole journey is for some women. It isn't always just quick positive pregnancy tests and 8 months of bliss- it can be heartbreaking, scary and devastating too. I wouldn't wish that kind of fear and heartache on my worst enemy.

So, like I said, I was so scared. The 5 minutes I spend waiting in the room felt like an eternity! Finally the dr came in and started the ultrasound. At first I didn't see anything, but after a few seconds, I saw a teeeeeeeeeny little dot at the top of the screen!!! Like, so tiny but so there (my firsy ultrasound with jack wasn't until 10 weeks so I had never seen a baby that small before). I saw a little bit of flashing/fluttering on it and the dr said "there's the heartbeat!" and instantly the tears swelled up. It was still too early to hear it but he said that the fact that we could see it was a good sign. I was guessing I was somewhere around 6 weeks and 4 days and the measurements put me right at 6 weeks. He told me to keep taking things easy (no exercise, etc) for a while and that we will do my regularly scheduled ultrasound at 8 weeks. He was a man of very few words so I wasn't quite sure what to think/how my odds look but the fact that he said "everything looks normal!" make me feel like it is. I feel content knowing I have done everything in my power to get everything checked out and now we just wait, hope, pray, drink water, sleep and see how things go. 

first picture of my baby!!!!! it is soooo tiny but you can see hright at the top of that little black circle right there. they didn't actually print a picture out for me so before I left the room I snapped a quick picture of the screen, so it's a little blurry :) still love it! 

One of the hardest things about pregnancy (especially the first trimester) is the WAITING! My goodness. It is torture not knowing anything!!

Over the course of the last few weeks I have felt some of the saddest, most scared feelings I have felt in my whole life! I went back and forth on trying to come to terms with things and yet trying to stay positive. This pregnancy has already tugged on my heart strings in so many different ways yet through it all I just can't help but feel grateful that I can experience having this little miracle inside of me. I have prayed countless times and have begged God to just let me keep this baby and for my body to do everything it needs to to help its little body grow and thrive. I have also begged Him to help me carry this kind of burden should things not work out. I have wanted to stay positive but also realistic. It has just been such an emotional roller coaster.

Right now I am just SOOOOOO beyond grateful to have been able to see that little bean and it's little beating heart. Of course we will still have to see how things go but you know what- right now I am just going to let myself be grateful and excited. I already love this baby so, so, so much!! We have been through a lot together already I feel like and it has such a special place in my heart. 

This whole thing has made me even more grateful to be pregnant. I don't mind waiting 8 months to meet this baby- I am fine with letting it cook as long as it needs to. Bring on the nausea, stretch marks, weight gain and endless trips to the bathroom- I don't even care about that stuff anymore, I'll  gladly take it all :)

----

How Far Along: 6 weeks

Baby is the size of: a sweet pea :)

Total weight gain: none

Symptoms: very mild cramping & vivid dreams...that's it so far!

Cravings: none

Struggles: Over-thinking every little cramp, hoping it isn't something bad...trying to remain positive and not worry about things that are out of my control.

Exercising: NONE for a while, doctors orders. I miss it :( It was my way of clearing out my head.

Baby Daddy: Kody has been so supportive with helping me through all of this. He is so excited. I am so grateful I have him. He is truly the ONLY one who understands how I feel about Jack ad how I feel about the baby because they are both equally his and he feels the same way. Marriage is a wonderful thin for so many reasons- and teaming up to create life is one of them.

Discoveries: Learning what progesterone is and why it's important, learning that a 6 week old fetus really does have a beating heart (you GUYS! how unbelievably crazy is that? Just a clump of cells? Uh, ya right). 

Looking Forward To: HEARING the heartbeat. 2 weeks. Crossing my fingers and praying that we get to.

----


Can't wait to share the rest of this journey here :)

xo
6/14/2020 No sweet note{s}

I am so excited to be teaming up today with one of my favorite, new brands I have discovered as a mother. Today we are talking about Kabrita!

Being a mother for the first time can be such a crazy, confusing thing- especially when it comes to learning how to make sure your little one gets all the right nutrients. I remember being so confused as a new mom when it came to breastfeeding, formula, milk, etc. I studied so many books and websites for so long trying to figure out the right one. Eventually I got things figured out and felt confident Jack was getting what he needed. It takes a while, but you figure it out.

But, once you finally figure out how to properly nourish your baby, they grow into super picky toddlers and you have to start all back over again!

I have always known that milk is super important for toddlers and little ones and a couple of things I look for when picking out a milk for Jack is one that is easy to digest, has iron, and one that is a gut-friendly prebiotic, all of which are things that Kabrita formula has. Kabrita makes nutritious Goat Milk products that help nourish babies and toddlers. We have been using their products for a while now and LOVE them so far.

Over the past few months Jack has become the pickiest toddler I have ever met! It drives me crazy sometimes but I know that is all part of having a toddler so I have learned to adjust my tricks for getting him the foods he needs! Two of my favorite ways to do this are though 1) breakfast time and 2) smoothies!



For some reason (probably because he is more hungry), Jack is a lot more willing to eat things in the morning. This is a great time to give your toddler the "important" things. I have been giving Jack Kabrita Goat Milk Porridge in the mornings and he always goes with it! He LOVES the apple & cinnamon one and all I need to add to it is water for him to eat it right up! I like to give him fruits in the morning too, usually blueberries, on the side.





Then, usually in the afternoon when Jack wakes up from his nap but before dinner, he gets hungry and we make a smoothie! Here's my go-to recipe lately:

-1 scoop of Kabrita Toddler Formula
-1/2 a banana
-150 ml cold water
-handful of frozen strawberries
-handful frozen spinach (optional)
-little squeeze of honey

I like this smoothie because it helps Jack get in a serving of fruit, veggies AND with the Kabrita Formula, he also gets iron, protein and tons of vitamins and he enjoys it. Total win-win.




They also have the yummiest little cheese puffs that we love! I always have some with me on-the-go because Jack is obsessed.



Kabrita is run by women and led by moms and I'm so glad I discovered them. Their customer service is amazing and so are their products. If you have a baby with tummy troubles or a toddler who needs more nourishment, I 100% recommend checking them out! You can also use this link for a free sample :)

xo

1/02/2020 No sweet note{s}


Hi everyone! Today I am going to do something a little different on here! Lately I have been getting all kinds of questions on Instagram about how I got started working with companies and doing all of that kind of "influencer" work. I think the word Influencer is so weird and I don't really like it but that's what they're calling it so we'll just go with it. 

Ever since I was younger I have always loved writing and taking pictures so doing the whole blogging/influencing thing has my name all over it! I am a wife, mom, was a student for a long time, am getting into estate  and I do a lot of side-gigs so I am all over the place and don't consider influencing my main "thing" just yet. I really, really do have so much fun with it though and hope to build my audience more and more. For right now though, I have about 5k followers on Instagram which is not very much compared to a lot of other people out there. BUT I am able to pay a lot of bills, get a lot of free stuff and have sooo much fun doing it with my "smaller" audience.

You don't have to have millions of followers to be an "influencer" on Instagram.

If you are wanting to get into the whole world of Influencing and blogging, I think that signing up for these websites is a great place to start!

Basically, with each of these, different brands (some big, some small) sign up and different influencers (some big, some small) also sign up. The websites then connect you with different "campaigns" that they think you would be good for! You usually get a product/service in exchange for posting about it on your social media AND a lot of times you get paid too! 

Here is a nice roundup of all of my favorite networking sites for micro influencers (think: around 50k followers or less)-




OCTOLY

Octoly is a super cool one that I just started using recently. Basically, how it works is they give you a certain number of "credits" and you can use those credits in their free store. It is constantly being updated with all kinds of quality products, most are hair/makeup/beauty related but I have also seen clothing and home decor a few times on there too. Each product costs one credit and you get the credit back once you have submitted your post about that product! Super simple and cool.

Pretty much all of my Lancome posts and Laneige posts are through Octoly and so was my CHI post! If you use my referral link, you can get 5 credits. Keep in mind that you do need to have 5k followers on Instagram to be approved for Octoly though!




HEARTBEAT

Heartbeat is so good for influencers who are just starting out! You don't need to have a certain # of followers to be approved and a lot of times you can get paid for posts. It's usually not a ton of $$ but hey, every bit helps, right?! Through them I have done a ton of posts like my Bouq's post and my Little Nut post. I am only qualified to make like...$20/post but every now and then I find it to be worth it. For instance, I once got a $100 Gymboree gift card included in my post and I found that to be totally worth it.



COLLECTIVELY

Collectively is awesome! Usually they don't pay but just send out products to be reviewed on Sephora or Ulta websites, so a lot of the stuff I get from them I don't actually have to post about on my social media (although I usually do anyways because I think my followers like hearing about them). Some campaigns ARE paid though so that's really nice too. I did my recent EOS lip balm campaign with them :)



INFLUENSTER

Influenster was the very first influencing network I joined and I still love it! Every now and then (probably once/month for me) they send different 'Vox Boxes' full of cool (usually beauty) products to review. It is super simple. Nothing is paid but it is a great way to get stuff to review.




DEALSPOTR

I really am liking Dealspotr lately. A lot of their campaigns are paid and all of them usually offer some kind of product. They also usually give you a coupon code that you can give to your followers. Use my link to sign up.



MNFST

MNFST, or 'Manifest' is an app I started using recently, and is very new (at 5k followers I am in the top 5% of users on the app so ya, very new). There are a lot of campaigns right now, most are just fun little filters you can use and post on your Instagram story, your Instagram feed or your Twitter acocunt. Each one pays, and while it isn't life-changing amounts of money, they add up and you get paid via PayPal instantly. Super good way to make a little bit of extra cash on the spot.



AMBASSADHER

Ambassadher is a really good platform for female influencers. I actually used to get a lot of opportunities from them but have just been busy with bigger campaigns and haven't used them in a while. Ambassadher is great for influencers who are just starting out but want to make some money. You can pay for their full-service (which is only like $2.99/moth I think and you get it refunded if you don't get any campaigns that month) or just do the free-version which has a little less campaigns. I paid for it for a while and made some good $$ but as I started working on other platforms that offered more, I decided to stop my membership with them. Maybe I will start it up again soon though! I think it's worth it.



INTELLIFLUENCE

Intellifluence is a platform that has a TON of opportunities, you just need to sort through and figure out which ones work out for you. Some companies can take a while to respond on here though so keep that in mind.



TRIBE

Tribe is a newer one that I have really been loving lately! It is all done on an app (not on desktop computers) and a lot of the campaigns pay really well. You DO have to buy the product beforehand for a lot of the campaigns but I have found that its usually 110% worth it. My Babor post and my Blue's Clues post were both sponsored by Tribe.





FIND YOUR INFLUENCE

Find Your Influence is a great site with a lot of really good opportunities. I have established a good relationship with a few brands on there (like Planet Oat, one of my faves) and work with them regularly on paid stuff.






SOCIAL NATIVE

I actually did my very first paid post through Social Native (it was a while ago for Lean Cuisine). They don't have a huuuuge number of opportunities, but when an opportunity does come, you can bet it's a good one.


THE BLOGGER PROGRAMME

I like this one! I don't get a ton of opportunities from it though since a lot of the campaigns are for bloggers in the UK, but I do get some and it's worth checking out and signing up for.

------

I know that there are probably a lot of other ones out there but these are my FAVORITES and the ones that I like to recommend to people who ask, and hopefully it'll help you out!

The other obvious way I get partnerships with companies is through the actual company reaching out to me through e-mail. Maybe I will make a post more on that some other time.

Let me know if there's anything else you'd like me to go over blogging-wise and be sure to connect with me on Instagram as well!

Happy influencing!


xo
12/19/2019 No sweet note{s}
A couple of weeks ago me, Kody and my two brothers (Bailey and Gunnar) went out and hiked to the top of Flat Iron on Superstition Mountain! It is a huge mountain range I have grown up by my whole life and have always wanted to hike! For one reason or another I had never actually done it until this trip and I am so glad I did! Honestly the most amazing hike I have ever done!

I originally wore some leggings but about 1/4 of the way up I realized I was super hot (hi, November in Arizona), so I changed into shorts! Bailey does this hike like every week so he hauled up that thing and we were all so shocked by how quick he could do it. There were tonssssss of loose rock and super steep parts but I did it without any *major* falls. 

The view at the top was incredible. You could easily see all of Phoenix and the entire valley. I love that valley so much.

Once we were at the top we decided to hike around a little bit on some random rocks on the back side for about an hour and that part was awesome! I know you're always told to stay on trails but honestly some of the best hiking is just going random places!

These guys are so much fun to do stuff with. They keep me laughing NONSTOP. Even when I am out of breath climbing up a steep mountain.

I started my fit bit about 10 min into the hike and by the time we got back to the car I had burned over 3,000 calories!!! That's like 3x the amount I burned with my half-marathon....crazzzy! Hiking is honestly such an underrated form of exercise in my opinion. That hike worked my E N T I R E body and I really felt it the next day (especially in my lats believe it or not...getting down took a lot of upper-body strength).

So much fun! I love these guys!


The top had all of these little cactus' (yes, I know it's technically supposed to be 'Cacti'' but I reallllly don't like that word so cactus' it is) growing all over. It was so pretty! I want to go camp at the top someday.

Climbing the random rocks! And yes, it was as steep as it looks!

Doesn't this rock look just like the profile of a dog?!?!

Me & Kody at the top

12/19/2019 No sweet note{s}
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