Real Motherhood

by - 2/11/2018

This week was a hard one.

I decided to book a very last-minute flight to Arizona just for a few days because I felt like seeing my family and flights were cheap! As soon as we got there, Jack came down with a stomach bug AND his front two teeth started coming through. He was so, so fussy which is so unlike him. Then when he finally started feeling a little better, I got smacked in the face by the same bug and couldn't get up off the couch (thankfully my parents took care of Jack while I was feeling like crap). Then by the time I felt better, it was time to go back home! I loved seeing my parents and my brother but not going to lie, it wasn't a very fun trip. We were planning on seeing family and going out to dinner and going on hikes and enjoying the AMAZING weather Arizona has to offer right now but we really didn't get to do any of that and it kinda sucked. 
BUT we were so happy to get back to Utah and see Kody again :) Me and Jack missed him so much even though we were only gone for a few days. 

This week I have been pooped on and thrown up on. I have had my hair pulled out countless times. I have woken up at 1AM to sooth a screaming and un-soothable baby, and then did it again at 4AM and again at 7. I have prayed and prayed as I have worried like CRAZY about Jack being sick. I have called doctors offices, b

I literally feel like I am being punched in the face over and over and over again sometimes. I am running on fumes and am so tired!

Anyways, I don't know if it has to do with all of that or what but lately being a mom has gotten so exhausting and hard for me! I am not sure if I am the only mom who feels this way but man...sometimes being a mom is just straight up HARD. 

It is hard to explain, but sometimes I will just look at Jack and get this sad/scary/overwhelming feeling like...'wow. i am in charge of taking care of you 24/7 for the rest of my life. i am the one who needs to make sure you are safe, are healthy, are happy, are loved and are living righteously. Heavenly Father sent you to me, perfect in every single way and i (a totally imperfect and inexperienced 22-year old) have the unbelievably intimidating task of keeping you on the right path in this scary world that will do anything to do the opposite and I have to do it all when I am feeling completely exhausted' 

I guess a good way of putting it is like 'WHAT did I get myself into!?

As I have said time and time again, there is NOTHING in the world I would rather be doing right now. 

My sweet dad sent me the link to this Jeffrey R. Holland talk the other day (and I am glad he did because I needed it) and as I drove home from a work meeting on the I-15 I listened to it and couldn't help by tearing up at so many of the things in it because they are so true. I have heard this talk before but not since becoming a mom and I couldn't agree more with the things that are talked about in it!

"Of course, there are heartbreaking exceptions, but most mothers know intuitively, instinctively that this is a sacred trust of the highest order. The weight of that realization, especially on young maternal shoulders, can be very daunting....How is it that a human being can love a child so deeply that you willingly give up a major portion of your freedom for it? How can mortal love be so strong that you voluntarily subject yourself to responsibility, vulnerability, anxiety, and heartache and just keep coming back for more of the same? What kind of mortal love can make you feel, once you have a child, that your life is never, ever your own again? Maternal love has to be divine. There is no other explanation for it. What mothers do is an essential element of Christ’s work. Knowing that should be enough to tell us the impact of such love will range between unbearable and transcendent, over and over again, until with the safety and salvation of the very last child on earth, we can [then] say with Jesus, ‘[Father!] I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do."

Anyways, it was a great reminder to me that what I am doing is so much more than just taking care of a is rather "shaping souls, for forming character, and for demonstrating the pure love of Christ."

I will get pooped on and thrown up on a million more times and I would give ALL of the freedom in the entire world to be Jack's mom. I am so grateful for him and I love him SO stinking much.

I will, however, take any recommendations for teething babies :)


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